Suspend Your Disbelief #2: Orphan

Hello, all! This post brought to you by the Cheetah Girls because why the hell not! I’m listening to that soundtrack at this very moment and I can tell you I am not disappointed.

Those sweatsuits should be hung in a museum!

In honor of Halloween, I’d like to review a wonderful little film called Orphan. This is a bit of a throwback but I watched it for the first time yesterday and boy is it one of the strangest films I have seen in a while. What are the chances of seeing Peter Saarsgard and Clove from the Hunger Games in a movie together? 24 hours ago, I would have said the odds were pretty damn slim. Now, everything has changed.

Continue reading Suspend Your Disbelief #2: Orphan


American Horror Story: Hotel Review: Mommy

Hello, all! This post brought to you by Justin Trudeau and his extremely awkward party tricks. I’m eternally thankful to John Oliver for alerting the world to this important, very Prime Ministerial, little tidbit. If only Ted Cruz would try this trick at home too, but maybe, you know, forget about the pretending part.

I wish he were our president…

Some television shows rely on gorgeous visuals to carry each episode. Others rely on compelling plots and characters. And then there are shows like American Horror Story: Hotel which say “fuck you and you and you” to every element of what makes a good television show. And that outlook, my friends, has rarely been represented as well as in the 3rd episode of AHS: Hotel. In fact, this show could even be compared to Trudeau’s party trick. It’s awkward and unintentionally hilarious, but not in the way that it wants  to be. Continue reading American Horror Story: Hotel Review: Mommy

American Horror Story: Hotel Review: Chutes and Ladders

Hello, all! This post brought to you by all those girls who dress up as Sexy Nurses for Halloween. You go, girls! Don’t let PC thoughtcrime police tell you that you’re de-legitimizing female employment. For chrissakes, HuffPost, it’s a Halloween costume. Don’t you have more important things to do like bully Raven-Symone?

I planned on writing a review of AHS: Hotel every week, but then school slapped me in the face and said: “NO!” so that will probably not happen. Yet here I am, 8 days after the episode has aired, and I’m READY to write about it. Let’s check back in with a bunch of boring characters staying in a nasty hotel. Continue reading American Horror Story: Hotel Review: Chutes and Ladders

American Horror Story: Hotel Review- Checking In

Hello all! This post brought to you by Tom Hanks and the Bridge of Spies trailer. “I’m only an insurance lawyer,” said Tom Hanks, and the audience cried tears of joy. Believe in yourself, Hanks! We know that by the 30 minute mark of this movie, you’ll be so much more than  an insurance lawyer.

I’m a big fan of American Horror Story, but I’m not afraid of acknowledging how campy and stupid it can be. So far, Season 5 takes the cake, and that’s when you consider a season that was just beautiful witches bitching at each other. The premier was a whopping 90 minutes long and boy did I feel every minute of it. Half of it was an extended Lady Gaga music video (I’m pretty sure she was wearing some re-purposed Bad Romance costumes) and the other half was an embarrassing imitation of Hannibal. Was it good? No, not a bit. Do I take pleasure in dissecting every minute of it? Oh yes, yes indeed.

Continue reading American Horror Story: Hotel Review- Checking In

Feminism in Classic Literature: You’re Doing It Wrong

Hello, all! This post brought to you by Japan, a country who refuses to accept Syrian refugees. Real classy, guys. You think just because Godzilla frequents your country that you can reject a bunch of refugees?

Today I want to talk about a practice that really irks me: the search for feminism in classic literature. Keep your hackles down, kids. I’m not saying anything against feminism in this post. But I don’t think that it “belongs” in the analysis of classic literature. Not because feminism isn’t a vital movement, and not because there aren’t dynamic female characters in many classic books, but because evaluating books on whether they contain “appropriate” feminism is narrow-minded. It teaches readers that a novel’s merit lies only in its depth of social equality, and that’s simply not true. Let me explain why I’m even bringing this topic up. It all starts with my AP Literature class. Continue reading Feminism in Classic Literature: You’re Doing It Wrong

Review of Madame Bovary: All I want is everything!

Hello, all! This post brought to you by Michael Nyman and his supposedly “simple”  piano music. Why did you throw in 3/8 meter when 4/4 was doing just fine?

That’s not a good answer

Today I watched Madame Bovary, and despite the middling Rotten Tomato reviews, I was quite impressed. I’ve never read Gustave Flaubert’s book, so I can’t compare it to the text, but I understand from the reviews that it diverges from the plot in some significant ways. That being said, I’m going to review this movie as if Flaubert’s book had never been written, therefore reducing the chances of me sounding like an uncultured swine. I get it, Flaubert’s novel is a masterpiece and the movie didn’t do it justice, but sometimes we must forget our expectations and enjoy movies for what they are: visual mediums. Stream of consciousness and fluctuating point-of-views work for novels, but they don’t work very well for movies. Continue reading Review of Madame Bovary: All I want is everything!

Reality TV Showdown: Chopped Vs. Masterchef

Hello all! This post brought to you by Selena Gomez, the Little Singer That Could. Can she hear her own voice, and if so, why does she keep producing singles? Questions, questions. My post today is about two of my favorite reality TV shows, one I watch with pride, and the other I view in a hoodie and sunglasses while pretending I’m in an alternate universe. One’s an impressive showcase of professional cuisine and the other is a dramatic rendition of The Hunger Games: Cooking Fire. While I enjoy watching both equally, I can’t help but constantly compare one to the other, and notice the other’s damning flaws. Without further ado, let the battle begin. Continue reading Reality TV Showdown: Chopped Vs. Masterchef

My Month in Books: September

Hello all! I thought that this month I would start a series of posts about my reading history. Since I’m wrapped up in schoolwork, many of my selections might be classic literature, but I’ll still try to include the books that I’m reading on the side because those are infinitely more interesting. I’ve been troubled this year by the thought that for the first time in my life, I don’t have time to read my own books. I have a sort re-read routine that I do each year, including an annual read of the Harry Potter series, Memoirs of a Geisha, and The Crimson Petal and the White. But due to the great volume of homework and required outside reading I have this year, not to mention college apps, I don’t think I’ll have time to read any of these, and that makes me pretty depressed. Continue reading My Month in Books: September

The Woman in Black 2: What about the CHILDREN?

Hello all! This post brought to you by the color black. To all the black holes that will eventually consume the universe, I offer my greetings. Earth might taste a little greasy on the first bite, but I’m sure you’ll find our molten core to be delicious. Today I’m reviewing The Women in Black 2: Angel of Death, or as it should really be called The Women in Black 2: This British Girl is NOT Daniel Radcliffe. At first viewing I thought “Surely Daniel will be appearing any moment now.” But he never did, and thus this film could never be more than mediocre. Now when I reflect upon it, I’m glad Daniel Radcliffe wasn’t in the movie. All of the children would have been like “HARRY POTTER!” and that would have been distracting for the Woman in Black. Rocking back and forth in a ghostly manner takes a lot of focus.  Continue reading The Woman in Black 2: What about the CHILDREN?

Black Mass Review: Gangstas Be Trippin’

Hello all! This post brought to you by Kevin Bacon. Remember folks, it ain’t a Boston movie without Bacon. Yesterday I watched Black Mass, the movie that will reinvent Johnny Depp’s career. But actually, if you skip over all of the stupid projects that I assume Depp did for the money, you’re left with Edward Scissorhands and What’s Eating Gilbert Grape and Sweeney Todd and Chocolat and various other Tim Burton weirdlands, so it’s actually quite an impressive resume. If you pretend Mortdechai never happened, I will too.  Continue reading Black Mass Review: Gangstas Be Trippin’


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